I'm a Naomi

Today at work something very gratifying happened; I was busying about minding my own business and all of a sudden one of the managers told me very loudly that I'm awesome, they like me, and are keeping me.

My internal response was gratified, thankful, and surprised. What came out of my mouth was "it's only been three shifts give me time to prove you otherwise" I went back to the dishwasher and pondered on those words all shift long. Then I asked myself why did I doubt myself so?

Tonight I was talking to a best friend of mine who I will be bold enough to say I like him a lot and have for months now- I grow to more and more as time passes. Currently he spends his summers working in another part of the US. My heart has become SO happy over the thoughts of having him home and actually spend some time together. 

Actually, before this person there was not a lot that made me excited about period. Because of this excitement I have been counting down the days on my facebook following the #wakemeupwhenseptemberends hashtag. 

Tonight I asked him I could get excited that he was coming home and he responded with "you've been excited since you started counting"..

This sent my thoughts into high speed. I began to think that my expressing my excitement in that way was bad, too much, something to be ashamed about and etc. Eventually I realized that I started counting down a long time ago but yet this person has continued to allow our friendship to grow and develop into something very real!! It made me look at the bigger picture that this person has stuck by me at my most pathetic and yet is still here. It made me ask the question of why to myself...

Sometimes I wonder to myself about how the people in my life can survive being around me or in my life for so long. I am a good person, have a kind heart and appreciate all people do for me but I never can understand why they would "waste their time"....

Then recently I learned that I am a Naomi.

I have been through trials and turbulence. I have lost people in my life and have felt displaced because of it. As seen above I have people in my life that want to be in it, desire to fight or compromise to be in it, or have the confidence in the future promise of me being in there's. I don't understand it and I feel completely unworthy!!

I am so thankful for my job and I know it's where I want to be, I know it's where I need to be right here and right now.

The staff is a family and in unity and that's what i desire in a work place. The fact that they want to keep me around wow. 

With my "friend" I am thankful that h is in my life even at all. My emotions run high and my rationale isn't so deep but the fact that he hasn't given up on me really rattles my brain.

With the people in my life no words can even express how appreciative I am of them.

I pray for them all, wish them a blessed life, feel honored. But at the end of the day I am still wondering why on Earth they would even give me the time of day?!?!

When reading the story of Naomi in the Book of Ruth I couldn't help but have a strained heart for her because I knew deep down in mine that she had never discovered the beauty and person that lied within her. She could never see herself as others do and she went all her life feeling unworthy!

I wanted to scream at her what she was worth I was so frustrated!! 

Then tonight it dawned on me- I am a Naomi. I have been absolutely BLESSED with a job and team that wants to keep me around, a best friend that has seen me at my worse and still talks to me and continues to trust me, and I have friends that stay in my life no matter what. I can never see my own worth beyond those lines and for the first time it bugged me!

I'm finally at a place in my life where I am confident and secure in myself and it feels great. I know I have a good heart, am a great person, and am loyal to the bone. So it had given me distress to know that I still can't see myself through His eyes.

I would rather not be a Naomi but I'm almost certain it is a woman thing and an insecurity we will always have. The truth of the matter is we can't answer why others wanna be in our lives and we certainly don't have the courage to ask. So instead it becomes a game we play that just gets boring and tiresome.

I am tired of being a Naomi and take a stand to see myself the way God and others do. I take a stand to discover my own worth that others see. It's not a pride thing, it's a milestone for women and I pray that we can all get there.

I challenge you to read the Book of Ruth deeply and honestly- a few times and see how you can relate and begin to pray about it!! 

Good luck to you!

Joshua Justification

During my previous meeting with The Lord, I spent some quality time in Joshua. In the first few pages The Lord spoke to me and delivered to my heart and conscious some of the most obvious yet neglected wisdom that exists within the Bible.

I like most people suffer from anxiety. I get paranoid, worried, and at times can't focus on the here and now because the what ifs of the future have taken me captive. 

Because of my abusive past I have lived my life looking over my shoulder, wary of every person around me, and have continued to be overly protective of my children and household.

I wouldn't say I got comfortable but I definitely made a temporary home of feeling unsafe and paranoid for awhile there. I thought it provided some sort of security but needless to say it didn't to be honest it made me even more mentally Ill because I could never enjoy life or the moments around me. I could never live life one moment at a time.

Through the feelings of being unsafe, paranoid, and over protective of my kids, my household, and myself. I utilized the apprehensiveness in the wrong way. Rather than using it for healthy purposes, I hid behind it and used it with the intention of controlling what did or didn't happen. In simple terms, I used my paranoia and unsafe was to play God.

In my own accountability, I have failed to remember and acknowledge that no man could ever succeed in a threat they place on my life. I neglect to trust and believe that God is all around me and already He has victory. When I choose to be ignorant to this, I try to take control of the situation and that is never a good thing. Nor does it ever end on a great note!!

I have always been impatient and stubborn at the same time. I prefer to have things done in my way. Sometimes I feel entitled and other times I feel so helpless that the impatient feelings I let be manifested into my attitude takes the place of a genuine and a healthy hope.

There were and are definitely times in my life where I forget it's not always about me and even moreso I can get defensive when others try to help me not wither away from the person in Christ I have become. 

I am so honored and thankful that I found Jesus and that He has blessed me with an abundant new life. My heart is full of hope and I do have a better and healthier outlook on life. There are times when I can even recognize my foul attitude in myself and reverse it before I make matters worse.

I've become a faithful Christian, a genuine believer, and I trust The Lord with all of my heart. Since I accepted Jesus into my heart, I have indeed become a different person and I'm thankful that I have. For that entire next year or so you couldn't get me to shut up about it. I would rant and rave about church, my faith, scripture, and the changes that occurred inside of me.

I was on fire!! But then eventually life trew some cureballs and eventually I found myself asking where that fire went and how did it get put out? Then not long after that I learned in church that it's one of the unfortunate habitual tendencies that Christians have experienced.

Admittedly so I have gone on and up and down roller coaster with that fire and when it's lit you know. I'm shouting to the world! I'm proclaiming my faith! My heart hurts for those who don't know Him!! And then all of a sudden it turns into "I shouldn't say anything" or "I'll just pray for them it's not my place to minister to them" or worse yet "this is embarrassing". When this happens, as go against what God tells us in the Bible meaning be Strong and Courageous. He's not just telling us to go our and conquer the world confidentially, what He is saying is never be weak and embarrassed to proclaim me out loud!

Am I alone in this behavior and attitude?!! It's a horrible reality but it does happen. Peers are quick to judge when it comes of this season of times in a persons life, but I believe there Are others who have been there or go through the same struggles too.

Let me tell you something, this attitude, that voice that tells you it's embarrassing or you should withhold your publicity of your faith is a LIE. A lie to us that Satan still uses to keep us the furthest distant away from God as possible. 

Although it is a lie, we shouldn't listen to it,  and should shout The Good News to the world, I personally want to tell you to please stop feeling guilty or ashamed of yourself!!! It is that guilt and shame that causes the separation that Satan seeks after. 

Remember for one thing you are not alone and you have others who have been in your shoes, are there right now, and are experiencing more shame and guilt for it. The reality is that it's a very nasty cycle!! But the exclusiveness of our proclamation of God is not where it begins, it begins when you first allow yourself to believe the dishonesty that it IS something to be embarrassed of.

There is also one last habit that is in conjunction with this lie that Satan tells, it is the twisting and turning of God's tongue when it comes to His commandments!! When you hear Satan tell you "that's embarrassing, do this activity instead, keep on with your affair" you have two choices... You can ignore him and live your life according to what God commands and expects of you OR you can whisper to satan "you know something you are right, no one is going to listen to me anyways, I might as well just stick to my facebook addiction because at least there i know that Thomas will listen to what I have to say and offer me support on all levels (in the back of your mind you empathize for his wife and wonder if she knows)....

Do you see where I'm getting at here? When you listen to Satan, it begins a chain reaction and a domino effect and often times it leads to more bad than good as well as necessary. Am I here to condemn you? No. Am I hear to judge you? Certainly not.

What I am here to tell you is that I've been there, done that, and even worse I've made excuses to justify my reasons for going against God's commandments. Either I have used the excuses of "it doesn't necessarily say this" or "I'm not technically doing this"... All the while I feel my intuition... I mean Holy Spirit doing the cyclone dance in my tummy knowing good and well that my actions are wrong!!!

When you dismiss Satan- you grow more honor in Heaven. The more you fight and turn your head the other to him, the more that honor grows. Can you imagine meeting Jesus for the first time and Him spending X amount of minutes with you crowning you for each honor you received in Heaven while on Earth? Can you imagine looking at Him wondering how can you remember all of this? Even more imagine yourself looking behind you and seeing the numbers of people waiting for their turn with Him!!!

What an interesting and lovely thought right? I challenge you today to look within yourselves and ask yourself as well as God to reveal to you if you have done this past or present. Keep your answer to yourself and simply repent and keep in praying about it!! And remember.... NO MORE GUILT!!! You are human and it is normal, God made you!!! That means He above all else UNDERSTANDS YOU he also knows your heart, no excuses necessary!

Also take a read to these passages of scripture in Joshua...

Joshua 1:5-9

No man shall be able to stand before you all the days of yor life. Just as I was with Moses, so I will be with you. I will not leave you or forsake you.

Be strong and courageous, for you shall cause this people to inherit the land that I swore to their fathers to give them.

Only be strong and very courageous, being careful to do according to all the law that Moses my servant commands you. Do not then from it to the right hand or to the left, that you may have good success wherever you go.

The Book of The Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it all say and night, so that it is written in it. For then you will have good success.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be dismayed, for The Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

Deuteronomy Domino (Confession #1)

As Christians, we are all taught to indulge in our Bibles each and everyday. We are expected to respect, obey, and consider The Word law. I personally love my intimate time with God's word and always seem to get a lot out of it.

But let me be honest, I do not read my Bible every single day. As a matter of fact, a habitual nature has transpired in my life that I'm not necessarily a fan of. Unfortunately, it takes me to be on the verge of a depression episode or it takes my life to be in absolute chaos in order to sit down with my Bible and let God teach me a lesson in life.

I have always felt guilty about this but then learned that I am not the only one who has this habit. This opened my mind and heart up to learning about this issue, why I believe it happens, and what can be done to fix it.

God is the only dad I got, so let's see if I can make Him proud ;)

I believe this happens due to pride and shame. I do NOT believe that lack of time has anything to do with it. I certainly have used this reason but eventually got real with myself and admitted that it was just an excuse.

I think that it is simply human nature that has the confident idea that we don't need to turn to God's word because it is our Earthly responsibility to take care of the problems in our lives. I believe this attitude is especially true when it comes to problems that effect our families. I also believe that impatience is a key factor as into why we avoid the Bible at all costs until we are desperate.

We want to fix it, we want control, waiting on God says to others "I am incapable" and in return it boomerangs back to is in a form of pride. Let's get honest, we have all been there and done that, let's stop pretending!! Christianity is full of fakes but it's not where the tolerance should rest!! 

Shame is also a reason I believe that we don't turn to God's Word when our lives aren't in shambles. I think that most people mistake this shame for fear. Shame tells us that we should feel bad for what we do and holds us captivity. When we experience shame we keep to ourselves and withhold our feelings and genuine thoughts as well as vulnerabilities. 

When life is going great and not as stressful I believe there are some people out there who feel it unnecessary to turn to their Bibles because it may show weakness or perhaps open the door to it. People are funny that way but especially those who suffer from anxiety, I totally understand why they would rather avoid it all together.

I myself personally have used the excuse I don't have the time to, rather quickly I'm always faced with the reality that all I need to do is make time. I have been ashamed to face Him, not out of fear but because it's out of pride. Recently I took a stand to not withhold myself or wait until turmoil to soak in His word!! When I started the journey of breaking this habit, my Biblical study began in Deuteronomy. As I'm reading I came across these passages of scriptures 

Deuteronomy 4:29-31

29 But from there you will seek the Lord your God and you will find him, if you search after him with all your heart and with all your soul. 30 When you are in tribulation, and all these things come upon you in the latter days, you will return to the Lord your God and obey his voice. 31 For the Lord your God is a merciful God. He will not leave you or destroy you or forget the covenant with your fathers that he swore to them.

After reading this, my heart was overwhelmed with the sensation of grace and mercy!! This verse shows that God EXPECTS us to have this nature, that after we know Him in our hearts and give our full selves over to Him, that we will truly come to Him and genuinely obey His word when our lives are in tribulation.

The truth is that God made us, He knows us, and before He required us to be forgiven by Jesus' blood to have salvation of our sins God knew that this would be the nature of man kind. God could have chose to pardon us for this habit, instead He promised to be MERCIFUL towards us!!! 

This set of scripture really brought me peace as well as helped me to not become as hard on myself as I have been in the past over this thing that I do. My prayer is that others will find comfort in this too and feel less guilty, less shame, and less pride. Yes we should make time for God each day and yes there are many who don't unless their lives depend on it.

But the self pity, feelings of unworthiness, and lack of confidence in ourselves because of it starts NOW!!

Recently I set out on a mission to break that habit, to officially conquer Satan's tricks and dangling mistletoe over my head for one last kiss. 

I challenge you to do the same!

Introduction to Blog

Hello reader friends, I am officially cutting the ribbon and premiering my third blog series titled "Confessions of a Christian Woman". What this blog consists of accountability, trespasses and awakenings of the mind. My goal is to shed light on the type of Christian I am, the imperfections I contain, and to showcase that it is perfectly okay to have faults and failures because I'm forgiven and I also want to provide a relative way for my friends who doubt themselves as a Christian so they can find peace.

This blog can be appreciated by Christians and non Christians I welcome any and all readers!