I like most people suffer from anxiety. I get paranoid, worried, and at times can't focus on the here and now because the what ifs of the future have taken me captive.
Because of my abusive past I have lived my life looking over my shoulder, wary of every person around me, and have continued to be overly protective of my children and household.
I wouldn't say I got comfortable but I definitely made a temporary home of feeling unsafe and paranoid for awhile there. I thought it provided some sort of security but needless to say it didn't to be honest it made me even more mentally Ill because I could never enjoy life or the moments around me. I could never live life one moment at a time.
Through the feelings of being unsafe, paranoid, and over protective of my kids, my household, and myself. I utilized the apprehensiveness in the wrong way. Rather than using it for healthy purposes, I hid behind it and used it with the intention of controlling what did or didn't happen. In simple terms, I used my paranoia and unsafe was to play God.
In my own accountability, I have failed to remember and acknowledge that no man could ever succeed in a threat they place on my life. I neglect to trust and believe that God is all around me and already He has victory. When I choose to be ignorant to this, I try to take control of the situation and that is never a good thing. Nor does it ever end on a great note!!
I have always been impatient and stubborn at the same time. I prefer to have things done in my way. Sometimes I feel entitled and other times I feel so helpless that the impatient feelings I let be manifested into my attitude takes the place of a genuine and a healthy hope.
There were and are definitely times in my life where I forget it's not always about me and even moreso I can get defensive when others try to help me not wither away from the person in Christ I have become.
I am so honored and thankful that I found Jesus and that He has blessed me with an abundant new life. My heart is full of hope and I do have a better and healthier outlook on life. There are times when I can even recognize my foul attitude in myself and reverse it before I make matters worse.
I've become a faithful Christian, a genuine believer, and I trust The Lord with all of my heart. Since I accepted Jesus into my heart, I have indeed become a different person and I'm thankful that I have. For that entire next year or so you couldn't get me to shut up about it. I would rant and rave about church, my faith, scripture, and the changes that occurred inside of me.
I was on fire!! But then eventually life trew some cureballs and eventually I found myself asking where that fire went and how did it get put out? Then not long after that I learned in church that it's one of the unfortunate habitual tendencies that Christians have experienced.
Admittedly so I have gone on and up and down roller coaster with that fire and when it's lit you know. I'm shouting to the world! I'm proclaiming my faith! My heart hurts for those who don't know Him!! And then all of a sudden it turns into "I shouldn't say anything" or "I'll just pray for them it's not my place to minister to them" or worse yet "this is embarrassing". When this happens, as go against what God tells us in the Bible meaning be Strong and Courageous. He's not just telling us to go our and conquer the world confidentially, what He is saying is never be weak and embarrassed to proclaim me out loud!
Am I alone in this behavior and attitude?!! It's a horrible reality but it does happen. Peers are quick to judge when it comes of this season of times in a persons life, but I believe there Are others who have been there or go through the same struggles too.
Let me tell you something, this attitude, that voice that tells you it's embarrassing or you should withhold your publicity of your faith is a LIE. A lie to us that Satan still uses to keep us the furthest distant away from God as possible.
Although it is a lie, we shouldn't listen to it, and should shout The Good News to the world, I personally want to tell you to please stop feeling guilty or ashamed of yourself!!! It is that guilt and shame that causes the separation that Satan seeks after.
Remember for one thing you are not alone and you have others who have been in your shoes, are there right now, and are experiencing more shame and guilt for it. The reality is that it's a very nasty cycle!! But the exclusiveness of our proclamation of God is not where it begins, it begins when you first allow yourself to believe the dishonesty that it IS something to be embarrassed of.
There is also one last habit that is in conjunction with this lie that Satan tells, it is the twisting and turning of God's tongue when it comes to His commandments!! When you hear Satan tell you "that's embarrassing, do this activity instead, keep on with your affair" you have two choices... You can ignore him and live your life according to what God commands and expects of you OR you can whisper to satan "you know something you are right, no one is going to listen to me anyways, I might as well just stick to my facebook addiction because at least there i know that Thomas will listen to what I have to say and offer me support on all levels (in the back of your mind you empathize for his wife and wonder if she knows)....
Do you see where I'm getting at here? When you listen to Satan, it begins a chain reaction and a domino effect and often times it leads to more bad than good as well as necessary. Am I here to condemn you? No. Am I hear to judge you? Certainly not.
What I am here to tell you is that I've been there, done that, and even worse I've made excuses to justify my reasons for going against God's commandments. Either I have used the excuses of "it doesn't necessarily say this" or "I'm not technically doing this"... All the while I feel my intuition... I mean Holy Spirit doing the cyclone dance in my tummy knowing good and well that my actions are wrong!!!
When you dismiss Satan- you grow more honor in Heaven. The more you fight and turn your head the other to him, the more that honor grows. Can you imagine meeting Jesus for the first time and Him spending X amount of minutes with you crowning you for each honor you received in Heaven while on Earth? Can you imagine looking at Him wondering how can you remember all of this? Even more imagine yourself looking behind you and seeing the numbers of people waiting for their turn with Him!!!
What an interesting and lovely thought right? I challenge you today to look within yourselves and ask yourself as well as God to reveal to you if you have done this past or present. Keep your answer to yourself and simply repent and keep in praying about it!! And remember.... NO MORE GUILT!!! You are human and it is normal, God made you!!! That means He above all else UNDERSTANDS YOU he also knows your heart, no excuses necessary!
Also take a read to these passages of scripture in Joshua...
Joshua 1:5-9
No man shall be able to stand before you all the days of yor life. Just as I was with Moses, so I will be with you. I will not leave you or forsake you.
Be strong and courageous, for you shall cause this people to inherit the land that I swore to their fathers to give them.
Only be strong and very courageous, being careful to do according to all the law that Moses my servant commands you. Do not then from it to the right hand or to the left, that you may have good success wherever you go.
The Book of The Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it all say and night, so that it is written in it. For then you will have good success.
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be dismayed, for The Lord your God is with you wherever you go.
1:9 is my absolute favorite scripture (I think). I've lived in the season of hiding my faith or trying to not to be "offensive." I'm thankful that God is pushing me to be bold.
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